I wonder....

You know what.
I wonder.
Why...
Why do I miss her soo much?
Idk if I miss what I remember?
Or do I miss what it could have been?

Okay....wait....let's make things clear.
I'm talking about my MOTHER people lol

Idk if I miss what I remember?.....
Sometimes it's hard to remember her.
I try so hard to remember her voice, to remember how she say's my name, to remember how she smells.
But it's hard sometimes.
I miss having a Mommy.
Rather I remember everything about her or not.
I used to be jealous of my friend's or strangers who still has their Mother in their life.
But now, I learned to just admire.
Seeing a mother with her daughter gives me a warm feelings inside.
Makes me smile.
Even though i wish it could be me.
I'm just happy that daughter still has her Mother.
Losing a parent causes the worst pain ever that I don't like anyone experiencing.
A pain that never ends, only heals a little every day.
But never goes away.

Or do I miss what it could have been?....
I am 20 years old.
It's been 4 years without my Mommy.
Wow...4 years...a lot could have happened, a lot would have happened.
I wonder, if Mommy was still here, what kind of relationship would we have?
How would my life be?
Where would we be?
I just wonder and think soooo much.
How would the choices I've made been different?
What advice would I have gotten from her that I'll never hear now?
I just wonder.
When I think about her and when i say i miss her..
I think I miss more of what it would feel like to have a Mother today.

But...
Even without a Mother, I've learned so much.
Through my Daddy, through my Aunties, Grandma's, Cousins, Friend's.
Through God.
I have to say, God gives the best advice.
What I hear in church, i take to the heart.
Everything that is said, relates to life, relates to every situation.
God answers all of my questions.

I'm so glad my mother was a religious lady.
I'm so glad that every Sunday she woke me up and asked "Are you coming to church with me?"
I'm so glad I said "Yes!"

I'm so thankful that because of her, I believe, I go to church.
I'm so thankful that ever since I was young, she wanted me to know God.

So that when she left me....I wouldn't be alone.