AWESOME-NESS! These girls are talented.

Lately....I've been thinking...

You know what really bothers me that i have absolutely no control over....to see the ones I care about life go down the drain. Well, maybe not their life...but their character. That extra something special that once made them special. It's like, they dnt have it anymore. People change....things change. It's like the person that I once knew has totally disappeared. Like their beautiful soul is gone and all I'm seeing is their hallow shell. And the scary part is that they're not afraid to admit their change, they KNOW they've changed and because of the hurt in their heart, they dnt plan on going back to how they once were any time soon. This really bothers me because I can read people SO well. It's like before they open up their mouths sometimes I know what they're feeling. I feel helpless, like I want to be able to do something, but I can't. I want to be the person who changes their whole perspective of themselves around, but I can't. And what makes it even worse, the one's I'm talking about....don't even speak to me anymore. I don't know if they think about me as much as I think of them. Some may have hurt me, betrayed me or we just slowly fell apart but those are the people I think about and pray for the most.

I wish that I could have this moment for life...

For some reason, a whole buncha random memories have just been popping in my head lately. Memories that i hated, but if it happened now, i'll love it and vice versa. When i think about the type of person i am now, and the way i think, sometimes i just wish that i could've been this person back then...but it doesn't work that way huh?

I remember i used to get sooo annoyed when my brother would bang on my door while i was sleep and come in and wake me up and say "RISE AND SHINE, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL MORNING!" in thee most IRRITATING voice ever! I used to HATE him for it and instantly caught an attitude toward him for the rest of the day. And now i find myself thinking how i wish we both were living at home again, waking up to be together, as a family. It's the smallest things that i wish i could rewind time for. I used to love those mornings when i woke up, the TV was on, my Mama was talking and laughing on the phone, my brother would be listening to the songs he recorded the night before and my Daddy would be outside mowing the lawn. I swear i used to wake up the happiest girl ever, just knowing that day was going to be a good day. I miss that. Because now when i'm home i wake up to complete silence AND a stranger in my house. It's not as exciting as it used to be. I used to get embarrassed soo easily as a child and i got embarrassed off of things that didn't even have to do with me. Now i would do anything to get embarrassed like that again. I'll never forget how considerate my Mother was of MY feelings while SHE was the one who was sick...She was amazing for that =) When she lost most of her hair she didn't mind going out the house bald or with short hair, but when i was with her, she made sure she threw on her wig or hat. Only because I would be like "Maaaa you're not gonna put your hair on?" So she did it all the time for me, especially if she would be seen by my friends. But i remember one day she was picking me up from practice, freshman year in highschool and.......she didn't have a wig nor hat on her head. Lord knows how embarrassed I was. I didn't want everyone to know what my mother was going through. But that moment, when a few of my friends went up to the car and told her "Ooo you look nice even without hair" (or something like that) I never knew if they did that just because...or if they really thought that. But i think that made me feel a little more comfortable. Now i wish my Mommy could pick me up from practice, with no hair, but she can't. OR that one summer how she would replay Luther Vandross' song Dance With My Father over and overr 50 million times every single day and i would get so angry at her because i just wanted to listen to the radio. She would sing her heart out to this song and shed a couple tears while thinking about her father. Not knowing that years later I would be listening to this same song, shedding the same tears. Although my father is alive, I'm feeling the same pain my Mother was feeling as she listened to this song, but because I Miss Her and like the song says, "If i could get, another chance, another walk, another dance w/ him, I'd play a song that would neverr neverr end..." Only if i knew......

 Like i said, it's the smallest things that i miss the most like those 25 minute car rides to Crete to visit my uncle Keith, Auntie Nippi and Tiffany or the 10 hour drives to Mississippi to visit all of my Daddy's side of the family. And now neither of them live in Crete or Mississippi. It just feels like these are the things i'll NEVER get back and i hate it. This is crazy. I learned to cherish not only the big things but the small ones as well because to me, usually the smallest moments are the most precious. They are the things that i once took for granted because i didn't know i wouldn't have them forever.