There's more to Me...

I'm going to keep this post 100% real! While these thoughts have been going thru my mind for some time now, it's about time I wrote them down and I'm able to share it with everyone who may be interested. Last nite when I got the urge to blog, I wasn't at home or by a computer. So I took notes in my wonderful Blackberry =) and I'm going to go off of that. Enjoy =)

My New self: I've learned that you REALLY can't change who you are for the better if God isn't involved. No matter how much someone says "I've changed" your change may only be temporary if you didn't accept God into your life. And that's just something I've learned over time by attending and listening at Church. So on this note, I'm in the process of changing for the better and I want my change to last forever.

Living Right: It took me a while to understand this at first, and I STILL dnt fully know everything, but I'm learning. I'm not gonna lie, living RIGHT as a teenager/young adult is extremely hard. Especially when you get to the point where it's something you used to do all the time and now you KNOW it's wrong so you need to stop. That's that part that gets to you, when its time to make that choice. In a lot of situations now, I find myself asking myself "Is this right? will God be upset with me?" I know that sounds like i'm 6yrs old, but sometimes you have to ask yourself! It's still things i DO do wrong because as of now i DON'T know everything! NO ONE IS PERFECT! It really opened my eyes and warmed my heart when I got to know some of the women and men at my church. To just know where they are now/where they're going and where they were before, made me realize no one is perfect and til this day it's still a growing process even to those who gave his or her life to Christ years ago. You never stop learning and growing. At first I felt like i had to do EVERYTHING right the moment I decided to go up in front of that church lol it was like I was trying to change MYSELF when now I know only GOD can do that. He miraculously works on people's lives even when you don't expect it...it's so Amazing!!

Take present Relationships w/ me? Or Leave em?: OMG! this is the question that still runs thru my mind. And to be completely honest, well for me, it's sooo much easier to still deal with female friends if they're not trying to get their life together than deal with male friends. Or even deeper than that, a male you're in a relationship with. Now let me tell you how I feel, I disagree with cutting people off or letting loose of relationships just bcuz I'M getting MY life together. It's like, I want to help them too. If they see my life changing or just see me a better person than it may help them. I still want to be with the same ppl and still get my life together. That's how i feel. But i also know that "sometimes you may have to back away from a certain relationship for a season." Meaning sometimes God will drift you away from a person because of His own will but that doesn't mean they're gone out of your life forever.

RELATIONSHIPS is the hardest for me. Like it's soooo hard lol. For any young adult trying to change it's going to be hard. Especially if you're in a relationship and YOU'RE the one who is learning the word of God, being around people who Love you, helping you, and you start being able to tell like "Wow, if he/she and I isn't on the same page, this is really gonna be messed up!" I learned that it's IMPOSSIBLE to mix Lightness w/ Darkness....Darkness will ALWAYS take over you! It's sad but true. If you're in the light trying to be in a relationship with someone who isn't...they'll win. That's just how it is. Because they won't understand Love and what a REAL relationship is thru God bcuz they're living for themselves or should I say they're just dnt have the knowledge. Which is when my question comes in. If I'm learning and trying to do right, if the guy REALLY likes me or has been being consistant, dont' you think after awhile he'll get his life together by learning from me? The way a person acts, affects the next person. A lot of people get drawn into God because of a friend or family member or simply just because of God. But I know with me, I dnt think I'll be where I am now if Anika or Brea wasn't in my life. My mother started me off but when she left, somebody had to pick me up. Being around Anika and Brea just guided me in a new direction. And i HOPE to do the same for MANY other people.......Especially YOU =) #subtweet (lol)

I just dnt want ANYONE to hold me back in this process. But it's not gonna be easy and it's gonna be soo many obstacles and test but I guess I just need to figure out does this test need to be handled in a positive or negative way? Do i need to let this person go or not? And over time it'll all come to light and help me realize what's right. I'm going to leave it at this, now that you know what I'm on with my life, I don't want to leave you behind. I'm still here for you and always will be. I refuse to diss any of my long life friends or friends i just met. But just understand what I'm going thru and I hope I bring you along instead of leaving you behind =)

This is AMAZING!

I just came across something I wrote and it's dated March 9th, 2006. Exactly 1 month and a week after my Mother passed away. I'm pretty sure what I wrote was inspired by my Mother's death, but not in a good way! As I look back and see how hurt I REALLY was and everything that was going through my mind, I'm SO happy that I overcame it all...it took time but I can honestly say I'm not in that place anymore. Of course I may have my moods every once in a while, but I don't think it'll EVER be as badd as it once was, I am so proud of myself =) READ THIS....


[my exact wording]
"Deep down inside..... 3.9.06"

Deep down inside, there's a girl who feels rejected, depressed, betrayed and under stress
Deep down inside, she feels clueless, confused, stupid, and unhappiness
Deep down inside, she feels phoniness from friends, backstabbers and all of the above
Deep down inside, she feels hurt and sad so she goes and looks for love
Deep down inside, she knows what's right and always follows her heart.
Deep down inside, she wishes that her and her loved ones will never be apart
Deep down inside, she wants to fit in, make new friends, but at the same time she don't
Deep down inside, she know who's there and has her back and the one's who won't
Deep down inside, she's trying to find the "real" from the "fake"
Deep down inside, she is listening to all the good and bad advice, but don't know which one to take
Deep down inside, she know's what you're thinking and how you feel so don't try to hide
This is ME and how i feel....Deep down inside!


AFTER READING THIS 4 YEARS LATER...I am amazed!Not only by how good of a writer I am =) lol BUT that i ACTUALLY felt this way!! It made me think like "Daannggg, I was really going thru it" but after i think about it, it was not THAT bad!! It couldn't have been that bad, I overcame it and i THANK my friends, family, && God! Back then i was sooooo lost and felt like i lost my ONLY guidance in life (my Mommy) but as i grew up, i realized i didn't =) Wow. is all i can say! And I'm not even ashamed to share this with the world because I KNOW it's girls who feel like this, younger than me, my same age, older than me, it's some people out there who feel the same way. And i just want you to know......IT'S OKAY =) I promise it is! I feel for you and i'll pray for everyone who may be going thru this. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!! <3