Bittersweet.

I spent my entire summer in McKinney, TX. A suburb outside of Dallas. I went to stay with my auntie Nini and my 13 year old cousin LaNiya, Nesha has a family of her own now so she wasn't around as much, but I did spend some time with her. When I tell you leaving Texas was the most bittersweet thing I've ever witnessed.....Crazy. I wanted to get away for the summer, didn't wanna spend my summer in Chicago, but didn't wanna stay at school either, so my auntie's house was the next best place to go. My auntie is my Mother's sister, her only sister, they were bestfriends. Spending all of this time with my aunt I've realized how different my mother was from her, but at the same time, I haven't felt that comfortable in a household since my Mother passed. See, I don't have just one particular reason on why I went, but there is a main reason. I'm 22, I haven't had a mother in my life for 6 years, I've missed out, that special place in my heart that belonged to my Mom is still void. I know she's always with me, but y'all don't know how hard it STILL is. To not have a mom here in physical?!? But still seeing my peers with their mothers, spending time, being bestfriends, just how I wanted it to be, but I'll never get that. So what I did was go to the next best thing...this summer I was looking for a Mother. Sounds crazy right?! I'm beyond tired of not having a mother it's starting to become overwhelming. I'm wondering how much longer I can take it before I break down into tears EVERY day every chance I get because it's coming. Man, it's just not fair man. Anywho, so yeah, I went down there to have a feeling of a mother in my life. Did it work? Yeah, kinda sorta. Am I satisfied? Ehh, a little. I just want to have a complete family, that's all. I would give the WORLD to get that back, but truth is, I'll never get that back. Another truth, by me having a "temporary mom" won't really help either, I've realized that. I just feel like there's nothing I could do. Even if I had the CLOSEST relationship with God, of course he'll take most of the void away, but I'll always miss my Mommy and I'll always want her back. I'm trying mommy, I swear I'm trying.

discouraged.

i hate to post negative thoughts. i always try to look at situations from a positive perspective and hope for the best, but sometimes my positivity isn't strong enough. i'm not about to sit here and pour all negativity into your mind, but i am going to tell you that lately i've been feeling very discouraged. me and my roomie always say that it's "this depressing town" that we live in for school that's causing this discouragement and we just want OUT. which is very much true, but i'm in college....i'm supposed to enjoy, network, be involved, live it up because i'll only get this experience once. but i just haven't been up to it :-/ there's so much that i want out of college that just has not happened for me. i planned to have an internship over the summer, didn't get any one that i applied for. i NEEDED a job last semester & this semester, still don't have one. i told myself i would spend more time building better study habits and actually focus on my school work, i'm finding that so hard to do. i'm sure i'm not alone though. sad part is i KNOW it's something i'm doing wrong. i'm lacking self motivation and i'll admit that. i'm just ready to move on with life. i feel like i'm just STUCK in this same bubble. not many opportunities here and i've over done my welcome here. one thing i try not to do is lose faith in it all. i honestly believe my life will flow how it's supposed to and that God has a plan for me. i'm just praying my plan and His plan is somewhat similar lbs. because it seems like i NEVER get to accomplish what i want out of life. my big dreams/wants ALWAYS get shut down. i try to hold my head high though...but it's getting a little bit overwhelming *sigh* but i'll be okay. that's why i appreciate every little thing/compliment/encouraging words that i receive. makes me feel like i have a bright future ahead of me because if someone else can see my talents/what i have to offer better than i can, then i know i have something special... Love y'all!

Rest well, my friend.

Hello loves! I haven't posted is so long, I'm beyond past due. I wanted to dedicate my first post in a long time to my friend, Kordero D. Hunter. He was shot and killed inside of a club in Ohio on September 23rd, 2011. Innocent bystander. I've never imagined losing someone that I've known since I was 10 years old. It hurts losing someone who I've been around my whole life. He was one of "the guys"...our high school class of 2008 was VERY close and did EVERYTHING together it will never be the same kicking it with my old classmates and Kordero won't be there, smh. He was the one who got on everyone's nerves, but you couldn't help but love him at the end of the day. Wow, it's still crazy to me and I don't think I'll ever forget him. Wish we could have talked more, especially since everyone was gone away at school. People take life for granted thinking someone is going to always be here...but they're not. Last time I talked to Kordero is when we got into it on Twitter lol, he called me to apologize and say he was just messing with me. I would have never thought that would be the last time we talked. Well Kordero, you're really missed by everyone. Your death impacted us A WHOLE LOT. We love you homie.

NAME CHAAAAANGEEE

HEY KIDDS....THERE'S NO MORE @MISS_KAYCEE I AM NOW @ohKAYiCEEyou ...I THINK MY NEW NAME IS PRETTY CLEVER IF YOU ASK ME LOL. I WILL FOREVER BE "MISS KAYCEE" BUT EVEN IF I WANTED TO GO BACK TO MY OLD NAME I COULDN'T BECAUSE SOME WOMAN ALREADY STOLE MY NAME "/ BUT IT'S COOL. FOLLOW ME!! @OHKAYICEEYOU ...LOVE Y'ALL :-*

AWESOME-NESS! These girls are talented.

Lately....I've been thinking...

You know what really bothers me that i have absolutely no control over....to see the ones I care about life go down the drain. Well, maybe not their life...but their character. That extra something special that once made them special. It's like, they dnt have it anymore. People change....things change. It's like the person that I once knew has totally disappeared. Like their beautiful soul is gone and all I'm seeing is their hallow shell. And the scary part is that they're not afraid to admit their change, they KNOW they've changed and because of the hurt in their heart, they dnt plan on going back to how they once were any time soon. This really bothers me because I can read people SO well. It's like before they open up their mouths sometimes I know what they're feeling. I feel helpless, like I want to be able to do something, but I can't. I want to be the person who changes their whole perspective of themselves around, but I can't. And what makes it even worse, the one's I'm talking about....don't even speak to me anymore. I don't know if they think about me as much as I think of them. Some may have hurt me, betrayed me or we just slowly fell apart but those are the people I think about and pray for the most.

I wish that I could have this moment for life...

For some reason, a whole buncha random memories have just been popping in my head lately. Memories that i hated, but if it happened now, i'll love it and vice versa. When i think about the type of person i am now, and the way i think, sometimes i just wish that i could've been this person back then...but it doesn't work that way huh?

I remember i used to get sooo annoyed when my brother would bang on my door while i was sleep and come in and wake me up and say "RISE AND SHINE, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL MORNING!" in thee most IRRITATING voice ever! I used to HATE him for it and instantly caught an attitude toward him for the rest of the day. And now i find myself thinking how i wish we both were living at home again, waking up to be together, as a family. It's the smallest things that i wish i could rewind time for. I used to love those mornings when i woke up, the TV was on, my Mama was talking and laughing on the phone, my brother would be listening to the songs he recorded the night before and my Daddy would be outside mowing the lawn. I swear i used to wake up the happiest girl ever, just knowing that day was going to be a good day. I miss that. Because now when i'm home i wake up to complete silence AND a stranger in my house. It's not as exciting as it used to be. I used to get embarrassed soo easily as a child and i got embarrassed off of things that didn't even have to do with me. Now i would do anything to get embarrassed like that again. I'll never forget how considerate my Mother was of MY feelings while SHE was the one who was sick...She was amazing for that =) When she lost most of her hair she didn't mind going out the house bald or with short hair, but when i was with her, she made sure she threw on her wig or hat. Only because I would be like "Maaaa you're not gonna put your hair on?" So she did it all the time for me, especially if she would be seen by my friends. But i remember one day she was picking me up from practice, freshman year in highschool and.......she didn't have a wig nor hat on her head. Lord knows how embarrassed I was. I didn't want everyone to know what my mother was going through. But that moment, when a few of my friends went up to the car and told her "Ooo you look nice even without hair" (or something like that) I never knew if they did that just because...or if they really thought that. But i think that made me feel a little more comfortable. Now i wish my Mommy could pick me up from practice, with no hair, but she can't. OR that one summer how she would replay Luther Vandross' song Dance With My Father over and overr 50 million times every single day and i would get so angry at her because i just wanted to listen to the radio. She would sing her heart out to this song and shed a couple tears while thinking about her father. Not knowing that years later I would be listening to this same song, shedding the same tears. Although my father is alive, I'm feeling the same pain my Mother was feeling as she listened to this song, but because I Miss Her and like the song says, "If i could get, another chance, another walk, another dance w/ him, I'd play a song that would neverr neverr end..." Only if i knew......

 Like i said, it's the smallest things that i miss the most like those 25 minute car rides to Crete to visit my uncle Keith, Auntie Nippi and Tiffany or the 10 hour drives to Mississippi to visit all of my Daddy's side of the family. And now neither of them live in Crete or Mississippi. It just feels like these are the things i'll NEVER get back and i hate it. This is crazy. I learned to cherish not only the big things but the small ones as well because to me, usually the smallest moments are the most precious. They are the things that i once took for granted because i didn't know i wouldn't have them forever.