Bittersweet.

I spent my entire summer in McKinney, TX. A suburb outside of Dallas. I went to stay with my auntie Nini and my 13 year old cousin LaNiya, Nesha has a family of her own now so she wasn't around as much, but I did spend some time with her. When I tell you leaving Texas was the most bittersweet thing I've ever witnessed.....Crazy. I wanted to get away for the summer, didn't wanna spend my summer in Chicago, but didn't wanna stay at school either, so my auntie's house was the next best place to go. My auntie is my Mother's sister, her only sister, they were bestfriends. Spending all of this time with my aunt I've realized how different my mother was from her, but at the same time, I haven't felt that comfortable in a household since my Mother passed. See, I don't have just one particular reason on why I went, but there is a main reason. I'm 22, I haven't had a mother in my life for 6 years, I've missed out, that special place in my heart that belonged to my Mom is still void. I know she's always with me, but y'all don't know how hard it STILL is. To not have a mom here in physical?!? But still seeing my peers with their mothers, spending time, being bestfriends, just how I wanted it to be, but I'll never get that. So what I did was go to the next best thing...this summer I was looking for a Mother. Sounds crazy right?! I'm beyond tired of not having a mother it's starting to become overwhelming. I'm wondering how much longer I can take it before I break down into tears EVERY day every chance I get because it's coming. Man, it's just not fair man. Anywho, so yeah, I went down there to have a feeling of a mother in my life. Did it work? Yeah, kinda sorta. Am I satisfied? Ehh, a little. I just want to have a complete family, that's all. I would give the WORLD to get that back, but truth is, I'll never get that back. Another truth, by me having a "temporary mom" won't really help either, I've realized that. I just feel like there's nothing I could do. Even if I had the CLOSEST relationship with God, of course he'll take most of the void away, but I'll always miss my Mommy and I'll always want her back. I'm trying mommy, I swear I'm trying.

discouraged.

i hate to post negative thoughts. i always try to look at situations from a positive perspective and hope for the best, but sometimes my positivity isn't strong enough. i'm not about to sit here and pour all negativity into your mind, but i am going to tell you that lately i've been feeling very discouraged. me and my roomie always say that it's "this depressing town" that we live in for school that's causing this discouragement and we just want OUT. which is very much true, but i'm in college....i'm supposed to enjoy, network, be involved, live it up because i'll only get this experience once. but i just haven't been up to it :-/ there's so much that i want out of college that just has not happened for me. i planned to have an internship over the summer, didn't get any one that i applied for. i NEEDED a job last semester & this semester, still don't have one. i told myself i would spend more time building better study habits and actually focus on my school work, i'm finding that so hard to do. i'm sure i'm not alone though. sad part is i KNOW it's something i'm doing wrong. i'm lacking self motivation and i'll admit that. i'm just ready to move on with life. i feel like i'm just STUCK in this same bubble. not many opportunities here and i've over done my welcome here. one thing i try not to do is lose faith in it all. i honestly believe my life will flow how it's supposed to and that God has a plan for me. i'm just praying my plan and His plan is somewhat similar lbs. because it seems like i NEVER get to accomplish what i want out of life. my big dreams/wants ALWAYS get shut down. i try to hold my head high though...but it's getting a little bit overwhelming *sigh* but i'll be okay. that's why i appreciate every little thing/compliment/encouraging words that i receive. makes me feel like i have a bright future ahead of me because if someone else can see my talents/what i have to offer better than i can, then i know i have something special... Love y'all!